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Pitches and Strikes

~ SarahLaPolla ~ 18 Comments

If you don’t read agent Jennifer Laughran’s blog, 1) why not?! and 2) you are currently missing out on some great advice if you are planning to attend a conference. While I have no overall conference-attending advice, I thought I’d talk about pitching in person because this past Saturday I participated in the Writer’s Digest Conference Pitch Slam, and it was my first experience with writers pitching to me. Basically, every writer got three minutes to pitch their project to an agent, and once those three minutes were up, a bell rang and then they were sent to be killed. OK, not really. They just had to move on to another agent. In the two-hour, non-stop pitch sessions, the writers I met ranged from all-business to nervous wreck to deer-in-headlights. It made me wonder, what must they be like on job interviews?

There were, of course, a few gems who, even if I didn’t always request their manuscripts, maintained the ideal level of professionalism while still being natural and personable. In case you’re attending another conference that requires pitching to an agent, here are some of the extreme cases I encountered to help you remain the one thing agents want you to be: yourself.

The Overachiever: This writer is ALL business. They are Tracy Flick-meets-Hermione Granger. What’s that? You want to exchange a handshake and a hello? No such luck. Not even a smile. This writer wants to sell, sell, sell. To them, a handshake wastes precious “getting out my binder and carefully typed notes” time and a hello is just another word for “I will now read you my entire query letter, including bio, in under three minutes.” An agent will respond positively to this only if the book sounds like something he or she wants to read. But, overall, it’s daunting and a little scary.

The Walking Nerve Ending: Writers, agents are people too. More importantly, we’re usually the socially awkward bookish people. No need to fear us! Besides, when your voice shakes, we can’t hear what your project is about. All we want to do is hug you instead. Ssh… we’re all just people, and agents need you as much as you need them. If one of us doesn’t particularly want what you’ve written, well then on to the next one! It’ll be OK.

The BFF: This is the opposite of The Overachiever. They might have come prepared with a binder, but you’d never know it because they are just so excited to meet you and are such a fan of [something agent’s done]. This writer might use the phrase “I feel like I know you!” and you wonder for a moment if they will give you a hug or invite you out for a drink after, neither of which are appropriate. It is always a good idea to be approachable and pleasant, especially if you follow an agent on Twitter, read their blog, or have met them before. But you do not want to appear so familiar that you lose your sense of professional boundaries.

The Lost Puppy: Another label for deer-in-headlights. This writer is adorably nervous, but not in a debilitating way like the The Walking Nerve Ending. Instead, this writer stammers and stares until, finally, they’re able to get out their one-sentence pitch just under three minutes. They just need a little love and encouragement, and maybe a gentle shove to keep moving, lest they get hit by a car (or, in this case, a bell signifying their time is up).

The Fast Talker: As someone who fears public speaking more than death, I can relate to The Fast Talker. I know what it’s like to think oh god if I just get through this as quickly as possible it’ll all be over and I’ll never have to speak again! It’s a form of anxiety that I have trouble calling others out on, in case I am labeled a hypocrite. However, I’ll offer some tips on what got me through the few times I wasn’t able to feign illness to get out of speaking (which, yes, I’ve done). 1) Know what you’re talking about. In this case, it’s easy because what you’re talking about is your book. If you can speak confidently and with authority on something, there’s no reason to be nervous. 2) Before it’s your turn to speak, take a break and count to three. It’s pretty textbook, I know, but it tends to work.

The Mumbles McMumbleson: This is the writer who lacks confidence and just wants to disappear. They know finding an agent is important, so they have to do this, but by god, do they really need to do this in person? The answer of course is no. No one is forcing writers to attend conferences and meet agents in person. But conferences are important for writers and they chose to be there, so speak up and speak clearly!

Like I said, there were definitely some gems and I’m very excited to read the manuscripts I requested. The Pitch Slam was intense, but fun, which is how many of the writers involved saw it too. See, agents are just like you! No need to fear. When all is said and done, just be yourself. We only want you for your books anyway…

You Are Not Original (and that’s OK)

~ SarahLaPolla ~ 19 Comments

We want to believe we are unique little snowflakes. As writers, we create, and we want to believe that what we create is the most original concept that readers will ever see. Nine times out of ten, this just won’t happen. We are not snowflakes. We are barely a box of multi-colored pencils. And for writers, that’s just fine. In most fiction, genre fiction especially, the same premises get repeated. It’s not plagiarism; it’s just normal. In fact, it’s how some sub-genres form in the first place. That said, most of these books use this basic, universal premise as simply a guide. How the writer chooses to enrich that structure is what separates good writing from the forgettable, regrettable wannabes.

I don’t know what it is about January so far, but it seems as if everyone’s New Year’s resolution was to finish their novel and start querying agents right away. While I appreciate the motivation, this is more damaging than good. To put it another way, the number of queries I’m getting per day this month are almost double that of what I was getting in December. The number of manuscripts I’m requesting, however, has more than halved. This is in part because of what I’m talking about above. People seem to be so quick to get out their manuscripts that they’ve forgotten to enrich their basic plot to make it stand out.

Before you send out your query to agents, make sure that when you sum up your book in those few, precious sentences, there is more to it than what’s implied.

Paranormal Romance & Non-romance: I recently tweeted, “In a severely crowded paranormal market, your plot needs to be more complex than ‘MC becomes/is/loves a non-human & must deal.'” I can’t stress this enough, especially since I get more queries for paranormal than any other genre. Agents and editors only want “the next Twilight” in terms of wanting another massively successful series that will make boatloads of cash for everyone involved. This does not mean we’re asking for “girl falls in love with a vampire and is conflicted about it.” It’s been done to death (undeath?)! It’s also not a twist if the person who falls in love with the non-human is a boy, nor does the female character become “strong” simply by being a vamp, wolf, zombie, etc. Sorry.

Literary fiction: People in the suburbs are not what they appear to be. Marriages that are seemingly perfect are actually rooted in resentment and possible adultery. Professor at a liberal arts college has an affair with a student. People living in Brooklyn do things that are seemingly more meaningful than what you’re doing (yep, looking at you, 90% of literary fiction authors!). Sure, these premises continue to work in literary fiction (hey, I still buy them), but unless your last name is, in fact, Franzen, you will need to give your mournful suburbanites a little more depth.

Mystery/Horror: While these two genres are not the same thing, I’ve been getting a lot of cross-genre queries lately that read like tag lines from teen scary movies from the ’90s. A group of people win a trip to a haunted house. A person who believes in ghosts begins seeing them for real. A killer runs rampant in a small town and is more often than not, the main character’s boyfriend/best friend/long-lost relative. Usually all of these premises are offered with a wink. They’ll provide a character who speaks for the audience by his or her cynicism and references to classic movies. There is nothing inherently wrong with doing this. It’s fun to write and it’s fun for the reader. But try not to rely solely on formula here. It’s harder to resist the temptation to do so in these genres, so make sure to add a little twist here and there that strays from the expected. What’s even more difficult is that in these particular genres, the “unexpected” is now what’s expected. (Thanks a lot, Hitchcock!)

Contemporary YA:Your main character’s parents are dead or otherwise absent, so he or she grows up too fast by either a) being overly responsible, mature, and “good” or b) drinks and parties, but is still wiser & wittier beyond his or her years. Then they meet or come across a catalyst for their path to self-actualization. Congratulations, you have a character portrait! But, this is not an engaging story by itself.

Science fiction: A boy (usually a boy) who is an orphan (usually an orphan) must defend his planet/galaxy/race/family because he is The One. A quest is involved. He also has some personal connection to the Force of Evil. This is called Every Sci-fi and Fantasy Novel You’ve Ever Read or Movie You’ve Ever Seen. Luke, Harry, Ender, Frodo, Jesus, Perseus – all of our heroes have the same story when it’s boiled down to one sentence. Think of how these stories stand out from each other before starting your next project. (To my fellow nerds, please refrain from yelling at me about why I’m wrong to compare Frodo to Perseus.)

Dystopian: The world as we know it has been destroyed by a virus! The world as we know it has been destroyed by climate change! The world as we know it has been destroyed by economic turmoil! The novel has been destroyed by Find & Replace! Writers, no matter how the world as we know it ends and no matter what the world you’re writing about is like, make what happens in that world worth caring about. Romance? Adventure? Mystery subplot completely unrelated to how the world has changed? All examples of how to bring your dystopian (another insanely crowded market) to the next level.

I could go on to give the basic formula for “chick lit,” but I’ll save you all some time and say that no one should use that phrase anymore and please don’t write it anyway. Thanks 🙂

Have a good weekend, everyone!

What I Learned Over Christmas Vacation

~ SarahLaPolla ~ 15 Comments
Welcome back, friends! After a blogless week and a half, I’m very happy to be back, well-rested, and ready for another year of Glass Cases submissions. Last year, I took an extended break from NYC and many life lessons were learned. This year, even though I was back in good ol’ Queens after Christmas, I’m again sharing my top five points of self-discovery and interest.
I can consume a lot of food:
After weeks of eating nothing but cupcakes and various cookies that were brought into the office, I went upstate to my parents’ house and ate for pretty much four days straight. I should also point out that nothing I ate was a vegetable, unless you count the ones that were baked in heavy cream. I think I saw a strawberry once, but I was distracted by the cheesecake underneath it. I was simultaneously disgusted and happy, but it made me appreciate living in a close proximity to Trader Joe’s, where I can go to fill my cupboards with flax seed chips and edamame once again. 
I am a fairly decent bowler and awesome at board games.
Life upstate is a simple one, and I think I’d win at it. Too bad I like living somewhere eight million times more complicated. (Remind me why that is, again?)
Whatever happens in the future, there will always be a way to say “fuck.”
I read a book over the holidays. I know, I know, what else is new, right? But, this book was different…. this was read FOR FUN. What a concept! The winning novel was Across the Universe by Beth Revis. It was a disturbing and beautifully written YA sci-fi novel that you all should definitely buy. (Some might classify it as a dystopian, but I’m not.) While enjoying the concept, characters, and strong romance, I was also pleased to learn that in whatever future/parallel universe we live in (whether we’re frexing on Revis’ ship, Godspeed, or killing frakking toasters on the Battlestar Galactica), we’ll have a fun, new replacement for our most diverse curse word.
The radio is a wonderful thing.
As someone who doesn’t drive or have an ipod, listening to music while commuting isn’t something I consider a necessity. But the radio is amazing – mostly because in my hometown, it is always 1996 and my favorite local DJs of yore are still employed, crankin’ out those hits from such newcomers as Days of the New and Oasis. Never underestimate the power of singing by yourself while behind the wheel, especially if you intentionally pull up to the car next to you so they can judge/admire you.
Change should happen naturally:
Perhaps this is a more passive view on life, but much like my former colleague, Nathan Bransford, my word for 2010 was “transition.” Many a-changes were made in 2010 and I think I’m all the better for it. But if anyone follows me on Twitter, you may remember that I decided to take this “whole new Sarah” approach to life a step further and try to intentionally do things I’d rather soon ignore. With only a few days into the new year, I am already putting an end to this plan. See also: unless you’ve spent your year in a ditch, on crack, beaten, and without friends, then you probably don’t need to be so adamant about change.
I’m very excited about 2011 and the work I can do as an agent, a writer, and as your humble blogger. Thanks for entering another year with me and don’t forget to submit those stories!

The Most Wonderful Time

~ SarahLaPolla ~ 9 Comments

Welcome back, everybody! I hope your Thanksgiving (or, if you’re not American, your Thursday) was full of family, friends, and lots of food. Now, it’s back to business. Like last year, I thought the best way to greet the “official” Christmas season was to remind everyone that books make the best gifts. Here are some of my top picks, all buzzworthy and published in 2010, that might inspire your shopping list:

Fiction:
Room by Emma Donoghue. The hype around this book was built all year, and when it was finally released this past fall, the book definitely lived up to it. In it, five-year-old, Jack, and his mother are confined to a tiny room, greeted only by the disturbing “Old Nick.” Their room is simultaneously thought of as Jack’s entire world and his mother’s torturous prison.

A Visit from the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan. Another young narrator. Another fantastically told story. Pretty much anything by Jennifer Egan is guaranteed to be great.

Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk by David Sedaris. Fans of Sedaris’ nonfiction already own this, but if you have a short story lover on your shopping list, this is a nice gateway into Sedaris’ pitch perfect essays. Plus, it’s cute and quirky, and has that trademark cynicism we all know and love.

Also, obligatory shout-out to J. Franz’s Freedom. I know we’re all sick of it and him, but it really is quite good. It’ll make a perfect gift for the literary snob or MFA student in your family.

Nonfiction:
You Are Not a Gadget: A Manifesto by Jaron Lanier. I bought this book earlier this year because I am one of those people who have embraced technology, yet slightly fear that we’re headed toward a science fiction dystopia because of it. This book helps to create a balance and teaches you not to fear or criticize technology because you’ll only get left behind. But, don’t let technology control you either. Moral: remain human.

The Autobiography of Mark Twain: Vol. 1. We’ve waited 100 years for this. It’s certainly on my Christmas list, and if you have anyone to buy for who also loves satire, literary icons, cultural relevance, and general curmudgeon-ry, this is the perfect gift for them too.

Life by Keith Richards and Just Kids by Patti Smith are also top nonfiction picks for the music fan on your list.

Sci-Fi and/or Fantasy:
The Fall by Guillermo Del Toro and Chuck Hogan. This is Book 2 of The Strain trilogy. I’m currently reading it and it is just as scary and exciting as the first. The Strain is a lot like the other major grown-up vampire novel this year, The Passage, but to me, The Passage just couldn’t hold my attention enough for this type of novel. Del Toro and Hogan have similar “viral” vampires and a diverse cast of characters, but, to me, they just get the genre in a way that makes their series work better.

Mockingjay and/or a Hunger Games boxed set by Suzanne Collins. That’s right. I took this out of the YA recommendations. 

Mystery/Thriller: 
Faithful Place by Tana French. I know I recommended her other two books last year, but she came out with a new one in 2010, so I must continue my personal mission of making everyone in the world a Tana French fan. She is simply fantastic and takes the mystery genre to a place that reaches far beyond that aisle in the supermarket.

** Curtis Brown promo alert ** Rock Paper Tiger by Lisa Brackman, who was formerly repped by our dearly departed Nathan Bransford, but still a proud member of the CB family. Rock Paper Tiger has a kickass heroine, an exotic setting, and a pace that’s head-spinningly fast (in a good way).

Young Adult:
The Duff by Kody Keplinger. Kody is a friend-o’-blog, but even if she wasn’t, The Duff is still one of the most refreshing pieces of realistic YA to come out in a while. Bianca, the main character, is the “duff” of her friends (designated ugly fat friend) and through that label, she becomes one of the strongest female characters to hit the YA shelves this year.

And for the fan of the paranormal:
Matched by Ally Condie. Get ready, this book comes out tomorrow! Much-hyped and even featured in Entertainment Weekly, who always give YA the respect it deserves, Matched is being compared to 1984, The Giver, and Never Let Me Go. Set in a “perfect” society, Cassia begins to think for herself and questions the nature of her world.

** Curtis Brown promo alert ** Shade by Jeri Smith-Ready. I recommended her two adult novels last year, but Jeri published her first YA this year and it is just plain fantastic. Aura is a teenager who can see and speak to ghosts, which isn’t exactly weird since everyone else her age and younger can too. When her boyfriend, Logan, dies, and she meets the hot! new boy, Zach, she’s trapped in a love triangle with the ghost she loves and the living boy who can help her unlock the secret of her generation’s abilities.

Picture Book:
OK, you got me. I’m not a fan of picture books. Or rather, I don’t have the appropriate expertise in knowing good vs. bad picture books. But, buying Of Thee I Sing, Barack Obama’s picture book for his daughters, just might stimulate the economy.

There were a ton of great books published this year and it’s impossible for me to list them all. Hopefully these remind you of what’s been celebrated (with good reason!) this year and lead you in the right direction.

Happy shopping season! And – your annual reminder – books make great gifts, but they make even better gifts when they’re bought at your local indie bookstore. Or at a Borders, which is basically an indie at this point. Sigh.

Tips for Writing Creative Nonfiction

~ SarahLaPolla ~ 11 Comments

Today on LifeHacker, there was a tremendous list of tips for writing fiction by the late, great Kurt Vonnegut. In his usual brilliance, he offers the sage advice of “be a sadist” and “don’t waste the reader’s time,” among other nuggets of wisdom that he was 100% right about (much like he was about everything else in life.)

Writing nonfiction can be liberating and therapeutic, but it also can be scary, revealing, and overtly honest in a way you might not even have been prepared for. For fiction writers, the idea of writing nonfiction is just as limiting and difficult as I find fiction. That said, I’m having a great deal of fun giving fiction a whirl. So, to even the writing scales, I thought I’d offer you fiction writers a list of Tips for Writing Creative Nonfiction, and if you already write creative nonfiction, feel free to use this as a checklist.

1. Find your voice. OK, this is Creative Writing 101, I know. So let me adjust it to show what I mean: “find your voice.” Emphasis on the “your.” Essay, memoir, and autobiography are all specific nonfiction sub-genres, but they all have one thing in common – you. The notion of nonfiction can sometimes make fiction writers feel as if they can’t be creative. Hence, their voices, which are vibrant and quirky and dynamic in their novels tend to shift to textbook-mode when attempting to focus that energy on (gulp!) the truth.

2. Honesty Does Not Always Equal Truth. Think James Frey. Yes, his controversial “memoir” had its share of problems, but the core of his case was this: “hey, it was true to me.” In this way, I’m on Team Frey, regardless of how I felt about A Million Little Pieces. No, you cannot say you went to a maximum security prison, sentenced to solitary confinement, and just barely escaped death when in reality, you went to a white collar prison for insider trading and were out in two months. That is what we call “fictionalized truth,” which is, uh, fiction. You can combine real life people into one character to make for cleaner storytelling, paraphrase dialogue or exaggerate emotion (think David Sedaris), and use the hell out of metaphors.

3. Piss Off Your Family. If you’re not writing something that you wouldn’t want a real person in your life to read, you’re probably doing it wrong. Chances are, the situations in your life worth writing about are the ones that have differing opinions of what really happened. Some people, even your dear, sweet, 100-year-old granny, might not come off in the best light. Or, you may have done interesting or controversial things that you didn’t want [insert specific person here] to find out about. Remember: this is your story. Only your feelings, beliefs, and knowledge of the truth are what matter. You cheated on your husband with the pool boy? And you did it because he was inattentive, distant, or emotionally abusive? Write about it. If you have regrets, share them. If he was the epitome of evil, say so. You don’t owe anyone anything when it comes to writing.

4. That Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Need Differing Perspectives. No one likes a pure good vs. pure evil story, not even in science fiction. While you get to write your life story, you don’t get to falsely present yourself as the sole hero or sole victim of your narrative. Readers won’t like it, and more importantly, it’s probably not true. Nothing is ever so cut-and-dry, probably not even with that crappy husband from #3. Be just as complex, sympathetic, empowering, and realistic not just as your fictional characters, but as real life human beings!

5. Have a Story to Tell. This one sounds obvious, but it’s an unfortunately necessary reminder. It’s always so sad to me when I need to reject people who write about their battle with cancer or the death of their child or their parents brutal divorce that affected how they view the very notion of happiness. It’s sad to me because I say, in my head, “ugh, who cares?” The thing is, I care. People care. You definitely care. But, most people have gone through what we have. Most of our tragedies are not especially poignant to anyone but us. If you’re Angelina Jolie and you want to talk about the otherwise generic topic of your parents’ divorce, then, well, that’s different. But, when the average person with no (ugh, I hate to say this word) platform decides “my story will inspire others!,” please remind yourself that while they may be true, it still won’t sell. Writing for yourself as a means of therapy is one thing. I would never, ever, ever discourage people from writing about their personal traumas to help get over them. Just ask yourself, before putting it all in a query: “Why do people care about my specific experience involving this very common, albeit unfortunate, topic?”

6. Know What You Want to Say Before You Grab a Pen. Way too often when I was in my MFA program, I’d write a quick essay just because it was my turn to be workshopped. I’d start out with a vague idea like “I sort of want to write something about my mother.” Then put my pen to the paper (literally, I need to start out in long-hand!) and start coming up with various anecdotes that reveal her personality that could have been construed as clever or even a good example of character development. That, alone, however, does not an essay make. I wasn’t actually saying anything. So, scratch that. Start over. “Now I sort of want to write about my sister’s wedding.” Well, OK, what about it? It was nice? Ugh. OK, scratch that too. I was usually left thinking my life could not be more boring. And I kept thinking that until I realized why I wanted to write about those specific things. More often than not, your reason for writing has little to do with the topic at hand.

7. Every Essay Should Be About Two Things. I’m going to attribute this point with a writing professor at The New School who, in true MFA fashion, had little tolerance for any of us. I loved him after I stopped hating him. There’s always a surface topic (this is true for other creative nonfiction too, not just essays), and then there’s the “heart of the matter.” For example, George Orwell writes about having to shoot an elephant in then-Burma. What he’s really doing is making a social comment on the dangers of British imperialism. Another one of my favorite essays that demonstrates this point perfectly is called The Fourth State of Matter by Jo Ann Beard. It is about much more than just two things. You can read it here, which will save me space of having to convince you how amazingly brilliant it is.

8. Have Fun! In the words of Ace Ventura, “fiction can be fun!” So can nonfiction. We can re-live happy memories, put less-happy ones to rest, and re-invent ourselves and our loved ones as characters with flaws, passions, and strengths. Only the bonus is – they’re ours. Nonfiction isn’t all facts and proper grammar and stuffy English class assignments. It’s creative and, for me, more freeing than making stuff up. Real life is just more exciting 🙂

The Obvious Symbolism Police

~ SarahLaPolla ~ 10 Comments
Yesterday via Twitter, I wrote (probably with more snark than necessary): “Your daily writing tip from the Obvious Symbolism police: Avoid beginning your novel with your MC waking up. Even if they wake up a vampire.”

This got me thinking of other cases of the obvious or cliche that I see more often than I’d like. Back in January, I offered a list of specific phrases to avoid, which I still stand by 100%; this Top 5 list is more like my Obvious Symbolism complaint. Apologies in advance for sounding like a snooty liberal arts writing professor, but you’ll thank me later.

1) Waking up in the first sentence. As I already mentioned in my above tweet, this is a weak way to start your narrative. We don’t need to see how “ordinary so-and-so’s day was” when suddenly something out of the ordinary happens that sets the whole novel in motion. What we do need to see is the thing that actually happens, and we’ll know through your superior skills of developing and building a character that it’s out of the ordinary. That said, creating a nice scene that evokes the setting we’re entering, which may or may not lead to a character waking up, is acceptable as far as the O.S. Police is concerned.

2) Water = New Beginning. Baptism, rebirth, cleansing, etc. Water is literally used in these acts; therefore, water is usually used when a character is metaphorically reborn. Sure, Don Draper swimming in a pool when he decides to write his Jerry Maguire-esque letter to the editor is a nice image. Likewise, a threatening storm, a peaceful rain, or a dramatic gaze at a waterfall can all be beautifully written. Unfortunately, the symbols water represents are overdone and often transparent.

3) Colors. Specifically, I’m referring to black and white. Using black to symbolize death, danger, or something evil vs. using white to symbolize purity, hope, or “good” are pretty standard. Ask yourself if your story has to follow those standards. Other colors used as themes are gray (bleakness, blandness), yellow (both cowardly and bright, happy); blue (tranquility); or red (passion, scandal, love). There is nothing inherently wrong with using colors, but use them sparingly.

4) Ask not for whom the bell tolls. No one cares anyway. When a character’s days are numbered or their path to redemption is suddenly made clear, writers will often add a physical symbol (bell ringing in the distance, a song plays on the radio, etc. It’s safe to say that a person’s self-discovery and/or demise is not brought on by one thing. In theory, your entire novel should have been leading up to this moment. No gimmicks necessary, unless said gimmick has been a major part of the narrative the entire time.
5) It’s a bird; it’s a plane; it’s… cliche! Sorry J-Franz, but taking flight, or being obsessed with things that do, is a wee bit overused when portraying characters who are discontent and just want to escape. Or, to put it more literally, to fly away. This logic also applies to obsessions with the ocean, boats, or other methods of transportation that move through something vast and symbolic.

As with everything, there are always exceptions to all of these rules. The above-mentioned Mr. Franzen is proof of that. But, like with all exceptions to rules, it’s better to assume you won’t be one of them when you query an agent. (Sorry, but it’s true.) Once you get taken on, sell your first novel, and establish a career, then you’re safer to play around with the “rules.” But until then, the Obvious Symbolism Police will be watching.

Lessons from Peggy Olson

~ SarahLaPolla ~ 9 Comments

Last night on Mad Men, my role model, Peggy Olson, after once again refusing the advances of that guy who saw her naked, asks him why he always “makes her reject him.” I can relate, Peggy. Only my lament is usually to writers. Rather than make my question hypothetical like Peggy, I thought I’d share the most common types of writers that elicit this response, using other fabulous Peggy quotes, of course. Hopefully you won’t recognize yourself, but maybe you’ll be able to save others.

1. “Stop barging in here and infecting me with your anxiety!” It usually goes something like this: I receive a query that doesn’t interest me, so I reply with my form rejection. The writer immediately replies, thanks me for my rejection, and sends another query pasted below. I’m still not interested and send a slightly more personal rejection. Writer responds with, “OK how bout this?” This only reminds me of that kid in junior high who keeps asking out the girl who just wants to be friends. It makes me feel bad, but it doesn’t make me respect you as a writer. It comes off as desperate and unprofessional. Wait a few weeks to query again, and be sure to remind agents what your previous project was so we know who you are.

2. “Clients don’t always know what’s best.” OK, I’m stretching with this quote because instead of “clients,” I will say “potential clients,” and the reason the rejected ones don’t always know what’s best is because they don’t look. An agent shares submission guidelines, what they are looking for, and what they are definitely not looking for are on company websites, agent-directory sites, personal blogs, and on Twitter. If writers are ignoring these outlets, then they just made an extremely competitive business that much harder to break through. If my name is one of many on the “sent” list, or if you attach a query instead of pasting it, or you send me a pitch for something I do not represent, then your email is going to get deleted without being read. Likewise, if you send something via snail mail, it not only takes longer to get a response, but you risk having your query lost in the mail. Or, in the case of larger agencies like Curtis Brown, you could get trapped in the General Slush Pile, queries not addressed to specific agents. Few live to tell the tale.

3. “You have everything and so much of it.” It’s easy to understand why writers would want to stand out to agents, to try to get noticed in a sea of queries. What most of these writers don’t understand is that the best way to get noticed is to have an appealing project. The “look at me” queries are usually 90% biography and 10% project. If you are pitching a nonfiction project that only you can write, then yes, you should include background information. (I should point out that I am not looking for nonfiction, unless it’s of the narrative kind.) When parents talk about their kids as a way of saying “I’m qualified to write YA because I’ve spoken to a child before” it just sounds ridiculous. Same is true for the people who are doctors or lawyers or former CIA agents – working in a field you write about gives your book authenticity, but it doesn’t automatically make you a talented writer. The project you are pitching should always be the focus of your query. Everything else is useless if you don’t have a good idea or ability to write.

4. “I wanted other things.” This comes after I read a manuscript, decide to pass on it, but am willing to read a revision. When the revision comes, I’m always excited to read it because I know it’s a project with potential that hasn’t yet been reached. Sometimes, disaster strikes and the writer does one of two things: 1) he or she does a substantial revision, but does not address any of the issues I wanted addressed, or 2) he or she does exactly what I suggested and nothing else, making the overall product appear poorly constructed and not well thought out. Sadly, another rejection has to be given.

5. “Frankly I’m disappointed by your presentation.” It doesn’t get any clearer, writers. Sometimes the only reason agents “must” reject you is because we are just not impressed by your project. That never means “we are all disappointed;” it just means “I” am, whoever that “I” may be. Don’t take things personally, ever, in this business because rejections come with the territory.

The moral of most of my stories here on the blog is to just be professional and considerate when dealing with agents. Respect their wishes, both in terms of how they want work submitted and when they want you to stop sending them work.

Ultimately, there will be someone out there who will respond positively to your work, and what’s important to remember is that the agents who rejected you won’t feel bad or ashamed when your book gets published. We’ll just think, “See? That project that wasn’t for me really did find a better home. Good for you, writer who now has a good name within the industry!”

But, if you’re anything like those immature men who won’t leave Peggy alone, we won’t have to be gracious at all because, chances are, you are still out there… making people keep rejecting you.

Write a Paranormal Bestseller W/out the Paranormal

~ SarahLaPolla ~ 10 Comments

So you wanna write a bestseller…

Only trouble is you don’t even like vampires, let alone want to write about them. I feel your pain, realistic fiction writers. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good paranormal story, but there’s a certain timelessness to realistic fiction whose story remains true generation after generation. I’d love to see a strong return to the realistic, adult or YA. There are some great realistic titles on the bestseller list now, but the charts are still largely dominated by paranormal romance, urban fantasy, and post-apocalyptic sci-fi. Again, not that there’s anything wrong with that… but for those of us who think real life still has an important place on the bestseller list, here are some tips for cashing in on that paranormal success without ever mentioning the V-word:

1) Write a vampire/werewolf/zombie/angel novel without using vampires, werewolves, zombies, or angels. There will always be people who cling to these creatures, whether they’re biting people, romancing people, or being comically self-referential. But when these novels reach bestseller status, it’s safe to assume they are being read by more than your typical genre fan. What “the masses” are responding to within these characters are not their supernatural abilities or folklore, but rather what they represent. Vampires seduce us, yet suck us dry. Werewolves are wild and have the power to make us just like them. Zombies are mindless followers out to destroy those with free will. Angels are our saviors in whatever crisis we face. We all know people like them in our lives, and they don’t always come from another realm of existence.

2) Get adult/YA crossover fans without being creepy. Twilight Moms freak me out. Taken literally, these desperate housewives lust after teenage boys who can literally tear them apart with their teeth. That’s wrong on many levels. However, Twilight Moms, much like adult fans of Harry Potter and The Hunger Games, are not to be taken literally. To the crossover fans, these novels are more than just cool spells, hot teens, and kickass heroines. They’re about choices and battles and taking on more than you’re ready for. They speak to our senses of responsibility, memories of falling in love, and feeling as if the fate of the entire world is in our hands.

3) Want artistic recognition? Think Kafka. Gregor Samsa woke up one morning and found himself transformed into a giant insect. Hilarity does not exactly ensue. Instead, his family hides him and he slowly loses his humanity. The question on every English major’s mind is, “what does it mean?” and it should be the question on yours when you go to write. Addiction? Sexual identity? Divorce? Death? Insanity? What is your character hiding, and what has he become?

4) Buffy Doesn’t Always Have to Stake Things. Your female lead doesn’t need a man to kill things for her, whether those things are vampires or spiders. She’s vulnerable, yes, and sometimes she makes really poor choices, but don’t we all? Write a heroine who’s realistic and fallible, but who can still completely hold her own in a so-called “man’s world” without resorting to cheap flirtation or playing the damsel.

5) You Don’t Need an Apocalypse to Prove that Life Sucks. The world is going to end in a fiery blaze of concentrated evil and we will all be left to face the consequences, possibly resort to cannibalism or turn into a zombie, and finally we’ll be forced to form a small band of survivors intent on saving us from ourselves. Or, in other words, we are going to go through some serious shit at some point in our lives, stuff that could potentially destroy our very essence if we allow it to consume us. So, let’s not do that and learn to live again, maybe with the help of a close friend or love interest, but not necessarily.

Go forth and write the next bestseller… and get real.

Fun With Lists!

~ SarahLaPolla ~ 3 Comments
Friends of the blog know that sometimes I like to make lists. (See: Things to Avoid and Non-literary Characters.) I make lists in my real life too. Pros v. Cons lists, Things to Do lists, Amazon Wish Lists, and I only evaluate my “favorite” of anything in the form of a Top 5 List.

So, it should come as no surprise that I love Flashlight Worthy Book Recommendations, a site devoted to presenting you with the best books for pretty much any occasion or reason. I particularly enjoyed the recent “Most Challenged Books of 2009” list, in which three of my favorite books appear – The Perks of Being a Wallflower, The Catcher in the Rye, and To Kill a Mockingbird. (I should say that with books, I do not have a Top 5 List, but rather I break them up into multiple Top 5 lists based on genre, nostalgia, cultural relevance, etc. Yes, I have issues.)

Anyway, Flashlight Worthy Book Recommendations has inspired me to create a new list, but unlike the professional list-makers, I won’t be focusing so much on “the best” as I will on “my favorites.” So, I present the Top 5 Books I Find Flashlight Worthy:


1) Necronomicon: The Best Weird Tales of H. P. Lovecraft. This is a huge book. Not one to travel with or take on the subway. But it is the perfect book to curl up with under a sheet in the dark and scare the pants off yourself! H.P. Lovecraft did literary horror first, and arguably the best (funny how that usually works out, isn’t it?).

2) To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. Yes, it is one of my favorites, as I mentioned above, but I assure you I’m not being biased. This book still works for the purposes of this list. The creepy mystery behind Boo Radley is certainly flashlight worthy, but there are also the many layers behind the plot and characters to unravel in the dark.

3) In the Woods by Tana French. Like Mockingbird, this book has multiple layers of mystery going on. (See also: The Likeness). Not only does French offer a page-turning whodunit, but she also slowly reveals an eerie mystery within the main character.

4) Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz. OK, this one seems obvious, but with a combination of nostalgia and a self-explanatory title, I defy you to find me a more flashlight worthy book. If you haven’t read this since childhood, go revisit. Or, read it in a pillow fort with your own kids. I used to be convinced that the girl with the ribbon around her neck was one of my sister’s friends (because she said she was), so I can no longer think of this book without thinking of how much my childhood was traumatized by it.

5) Pretty much anything by Stephen King. Seriously. There’s a reason Joey Tribbiani keeps his copy of The Shining in the freezer.

What do you all think? As you can see, I went with mystery and horror when I think of flashlight worthy books, but I guess that doesn’t always have to be the case. What are some of your favorite books to read in the dark?

Things I Learned Over Christmas Vacation

~ SarahLaPolla ~ 1 Comment
Happy New Year, everyone!

I hope you all enjoyed your holidays. Due to New Year’s/life plans falling through, I ended up spending a whole extra week at my parent’s house in upstate New York. It was the longest amount of time I’ve spent there since the days of college breaks. Intensity. But now I’m back (!) and here are some bits of knowledge I’ve gained about myself and life in general:

When I’m away from New York for too long, I get twitchy: After the excitement and overall family craziness of Christmas wore off, it took me all of a day to begin pining for NYC. Parental home is all well and good; I just feel better when I’m in New York is all.

When I leave city limits of any kind, I get twitchy: My hometown is technically a city, albeit a very small one. However, compared to its surrounding towns, it might as well be Paris. I crossed the border exactly twice, once with me driving and once a friend drove, and both times I stared out the window with equal parts confusion, awe, and terror as the streetlights became fewer and farther between and bars that look like houses appeared more and more alongside the road. Call me a city wuss, but that much darkness and open space scares me.

More Human than Human by White Zombie is the greatest song of all time: The single best moment of my week, and possibly life, was driving by myself on the NYS Thruway blasting this song and singing along when I could. Now I know what Tom Cruise felt like when he did that ‘Free Fallin” scene in Jerry Maguire.

Craig Ferguson is funny: Has this always been the case? Was I blinded by Conan that whole time?

I don’t read when I’m away from home: I know; it’s a travesty, but apparently I need the ever-relaxing quiet of the New York City subway system to enjoy a good book.

Coffeehouses make everything better: On a lazy day off, I usually head to my local cafe, sit down with a book, and hang out for a few hours. Having to ask permission to use the car made this luxury a little harder to satisfy, but I managed to support my favorite local business and get some much-needed coffee breaks at the same time. For me, going to a coffeehouse isn’t so much about drinking a cup of coffee as it is a lifestyle choice essential to my mental survival. I’m not exactly sure how I became this way, but I will guess that the “favorite local business” I speak of was directly responsible.

The gift that keeps on giving is definitely a nook: Seriously.

Well, folks. I guess that’s about it. It’s good to be back. I’m excited for sharing some new stories, seeing more of YOUR work (that’s right, I’m talking to you, people who haven’t submitted yet!), and starting a new decade!